I have been thinking about this post for much of this week – I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to do any more thinking about my energy – or lack thereof – and my efforts, again, lacking greatly! I know that I have been too busy, again, this week – too much stimulation, greater amounts of focus required to complete tasks, more deep breaths to slow down processes and delay anger! I probably wasn’t too surprised with the ‘balance’ in the wheel of life:
Home: is cruising. We have systems and a way of just working with each other with much unspoken to get things done. We are settled, and comfortable and for the most part, it works for us. Sure, we fight about who takes the rubbish down, or there is simply too much washing up to do can we split it, however its not necessarily an area that needs, or demands too much attention or focus.
Health: is still a big one for us, and probably will be for quite some time whilst we strive for some balance. 8 months on from understanding that we were to be a gluten free household we are still adjusting and finding what works well for our household. I’ve spoken about menu planning and online shopping here this week, and its something that we have tried and failed at many times before. This year it just seems easier, it seems to click, to finally work. I also track what I am eating – for once, not with the focus to lose weight – but to make sure I am eating balanced meals, and eating enough in each day, and learning what that means for me.
Spirit: is one that I really need to focus on *sigh*. I have had many conversations, and thoughts, about my need to create my own space and connections that are just for me – that aren’t crowded with people from other parts of my life, that is simply ‘my space’. That isn’t about hiding who I am, but more of feeling, not protected so much, but working my way to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t like competition and I don’t cope very well with people who force it on to me, or being around it. I don’t feel that its all about being right all the time, or who is being wrong. However, we live in a world where people are people, not controlled bots, and in order to deal with many things that I am uncomfortable or unsettled, or crowded with, I need to take time to nurture, and rest my spirit. Like when Adam sends me to my room if I am snappy because he knows before I do I am so over tired, I am sending myself to the couch for spirit time, or twitter for connection conversation time, or for my blog for more spirit time. I need to focus and schedule on that – because being the introvert connected to the extrovert, I forget and I get carried away with living and enjoying.
Finance: is one of those funny areas, where we are focusing on, but not too much. You see we have this house dream. And we live in Sydney. And we are of the age where it can be very easy to feel pressured to be keeping up with the Joneses. However, we were very lucky to both learn our debt lessons early on in life, and have budgeted quite strictly for the better part of the past five years. Reasons for this are two fold – refusal to load up credit card debt or personal loan debt, and secondly, the desire to travel and purchase a house. Living in the ‘want it now, will get it now age’ doesn’t make it easy (refer back to Joneses pressure) however, luckily, as a team we get very much ‘screw what the world thinks, we will do what we are comfortable with’. So we have enjoyed great holidays, were saved when both cars blew up at the same time, will be okay if we can’t work for a few months, and are on the way to a house deposit. I want this year to be the year of the house. I need to be settled and planted in a space without an ongoing real estate relationship. I need to hang photos and jerseys and canvases. I need to have a dog type creature. So, week by week we stick with our budget, and we save, and we live, and we save, and we live. So its a focus, but a rhythm we are settled into.
Relationship: has to always be a massive focus. I don’t want to take Adam for granted, although there are days when I know I do. I don’t want to take my family and their people for granted, although I know I will. I know which relationships I want to protect and have various areas of focus that enable me to do that effectively which speaks to these people loudest. Phone dates, daily emails, dinners, whatever it takes. I don’t make new friends, or connections easily – and I am fiercely protective of those that I do. A wise woman once told me we only need seven close relationships to fill all the emotional needs that we may have . I found that notion both crazy and also comforting.
Integrity: much like home is a cruising one. It is so ingrained into the fabric of who we are, it doesn’t really need much focus at the times when it isn’t so much called into question. I was pretty bowled over this week where a situation where Adam could have quite easily compromised this time and time again – however he refused to and kept quite calm during the long drawn out process. Its funny how hindsight reveals our greatest qualities and highest values.
Work: is another cruiser one at the moment. i know for myself, I go in every day, I do my best, and that has to be enough. there is so much I cannot control in that, and i trust my boss wholeheartedly to let me know where I need to step up, and if i need to start to worry focus.
Study: sigh. BIG SIGH! I mentioned last week how exhausted I felt. How this journey of study feels so hard, so never ending, so not worth it. With a big holiday coming up I was really unsettled as to whether I wanted to do a full study load for next term. Coming out of one of the hardest subjects of my life, I wasn’t sure how I could, or would cope – even with very logical, black and white subjects. I wanted to cry just thinking about it – but I knew if i stopped, I absolutely would not go back. So that wasn’t an option. So i devised a compromise, and discussed it with my boss, and with Adam, and it still sits well with me and my heart, it feels good, it feels like the right decision (and fits with my mission statement!) I am doing one uni subject, and one nutrition certificate course, just for me. I’m a bit excited to be honest, which is something I wasn’t sure I would feel about learning ever again!
The deal with this though, is that I start my major essay for Art History this weekend, and have it done in two weeks, so I can start and finish my Sociology major essay. They are due a day apart, and I refuse to be so intimidated by them that i don’t start / finish until the last minute!
This could easily be overwhelming, this whole challenge could easily be so overwhelming – especially for us women who aren’t used to thinking about us as people, and evaluating and doing so much mental work and allowing time for ourselves. It gave me pause to wonder, how easy it is to put things in the too hard basket – when it is confronting, or scary, or not within our daily norm. When the initial excitement and newness wears off and we are left staring at the blank computer screen with its blinking cursor when everyone else is long in bed fast asleep….
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear
our presence automatically liberates others’
Marianne Williamson
Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep seeking. Keep striving. You are here for a reason, you are connected and participating for a reason. Your excitement was for a reason – some of which you may not have been able to articulate or acknowledge. Keep going.
One. Step. At. A. Time.
<linking up with Deb for SYL’12 challenge>
