Just don’t give up, I’m workin it out

“When was the last time you felt really happy?
I am talking about the my life is awesome, I can do anything, I can’t stop smiling
I never want this moment to end type of happiness”
Pockets of Happiness by Naomi @ Seven Cherubs

source

It was late on a Sunday evening, and we were preparing to leave our fortnightly dinner at my parents house. It had been storming outside for the previous few hours and we decided to make a run for it whilst there was a break. Adam spied a case of Pepsi Max bottles in the kitchen and begged me to grab one and pass it to him so he could have some soft drink for the week as we had run out and he was well aware I would not purchase him any more before the next groceries. Dad and I went out to meet Adam in the car not more than two minutes later, and found him laughing so hard, so hard  that he could not catch his breath to speak, trying to say to me get in the car quick before we are busted…. Infectious, belly hurting, non breathing laughter. All over a ‘stolen’ bottle of pepsi max.

We have had a few of those laugh till you can’t moments lately… and can I tell you I adore them. Absolutely adore them – moments where care and caution are thrown to the wind, and you laugh and feel with abandon. They remind me that sometimes happiness is a choice, and that we can be very purposeful in pursuing this, or snatching our ‘pockets’ of happiness.

I know, without a doubt I am a quality time girl – cultivating the relationships of those closest to me is on the top of my priority list. Connecting, building and maintaining these relationships with my family, my brothers and their others as well as those of my closest friends is one of my most favourite ways of spending my time (my gratitude for these relationships is a whole nother post!). However, I am also well aware that I am, wholly and completely a true introvert.

Aside from this meaning I am completely and totally shitbox at small talk, and I find it hard to thereby make new friends, it also requires me to be very protective of the time I need to set aside to recharge and unwind. Because sometimes something as minuscule as sound coming from both the TV and the laptop is too much stimulus and will send me stroppily straight back to bed if I haven’t protected that time. True Story.

So for me, happiness means having Saturday mornings when Adam is at work to myself. At least for a few hours – to do as I please. It means taking a walk to the farmers markets to buy bunches of fresh flowers for under five dollars, because having a beautiful study space also brings my heart joy and peace. It means going to bed when I am sent, because others know me well, and can tell before I am when I just need to rest. It means having that crepe with melted chocolate when I damn well feel like it, because life is too short to eat fruit and vegetables 24/7 and delicious food was created to enjoy not to feel guilty about. It means printing beautiful photos to be surrounded with no matter where I go, and watching movies with doonahs late into the night because thats just what you feel like doing.

Happiness is the feeling of achievement when something you have been working towards comes to fruition. Being the end of a tough unit, completing an assignment you didn’t think possible, writing an awesome blog post and putting it out there for the world to see, building up a great online community for yourself. Happiness is success in any area that you have been applying yourself to, and working out your own path to this – not riding on the tails of anyone else’s success, but being authentic to yourself and the process. Happiness is the feeling of calm when you know things are organised and you won’t be rushing around to piece things together, or find your gosh darn lunch. Happiness is remembering to record your favourite tv shows, and spending quiet time together doing whatever it is you need to get done.

Happiness can be a lot of different things at any given day, or moment, the key is to catch it and cherish it and nurture it… to be present in that moment. Happiness is not being ashamed of any part of who you are, and having the faith and confidence to be true to that in all that you do. What freedom.

<SYL ’12 week eight challenge… WEEK EIGHT WHAT THE! This year is already moving way too fast! Read all the other thoughts on happiness here.. its good stuff, promise>

It messed me up, need a second to breathe…

What do you want from me?

source unknown – sorry 

I should be sorry for running my own race. For not caring what you are doing, or trying to keep up with all the things you are doing, the Joneses must be an amazing bunch. For not living outside our means just to keep up appearances. For not whinging long and loud and clearly that its just all too hard and woe is me. I should be sorry, for not feeling like life is horrible and annoying and hard and hurtful.

It is… it is horrible and hard and hurtful. It is sad. It is illogical, and catches us so that we can’t breathe and can barely stumble. It is unbearable sadness, and unbearable lightness. The Joneses are all in your head – at the end of the day no one really cares, let alone notices. Its just stuff. And life, life isn’t all about stuff – definitely not stuff you can buy. 

I should be sorry for not having endless patience. For not sitting and coddling and mothering. I should be sorry for not taking more notice and celebrating your smugness. I should be sorry for not being competitive so one of us could come out on top and be ‘better’. For not reacting how you expect. For not sharing my success so you can ride on the tails. For not saying what you think I should. For not backing down. For not giving in.

But, what good is giving up my integrity? I am the one who has to live with myself, and sleep with myself each night. I’m not entering into the playground games. Im just not willing to give up the freedom I have in being authentic to myself, regardless of what that looks like. Competition and smugness serves no one well. 

I should be sorry for having a messy house. For having baskets of washing hanging out to be ironed for the better part of weeks. For not cooking dinner every single night, and packing smorgasbord lunches every single day. For not having boundless energy. For doing what we want to do, and nothing else. For having a fish tank that is full of water, with no fish.

Okay, so the fish tank thing is just plain amusing, and a great symbol that we are so full and rich in our friendships and lives that we don’t get to the shops to buy the blinking fish. Whatever. Same with the messy house and the ironing. I’d rather have a messy house, and the biggest mount fold more in the south west of Sydney than sacrifice the fullness and richness of our relationships and our lives. Cooking dinner every night would mean we wouldn’t know everyone at Italian by name, and we wouldn’t laugh at all the crazy people in the main street, and their stretch sausage dogs. 

I should be sorry for not getting high distinctions in every subject I tackle. I should be sorry for not getting my targets every single month. For sometimes being so distracted in beauty and showing my love that sometimes our savings gets spent. I should be sorry for us taking so many holidays. I should be sorry that you don’t always like what i have to say, that my blog isn’t always that interesting, or that this post didn’t take your fancy.

I should be sorry that it’s not good enough for you.

I should be sorry that I’m not everyone’s perfect.

but I’m so not. 

I’m thankful that I am imperfectly perfect.

That I am loved.

That I am so flawed, as there is beauty and genius in those flaws. That I am achieving amazing things, that I never thought I could do. That the sense of achievement I feel is there, because I slogged out every single baby step of the way. That I am a work in progress. That I build up lifers for friends, not billions of people who only know my name. That my writing is so hodge podge random, because that is reflective of my life and adventure. That I am full of laughter and light.

That I am me.

So, I don’t really care what you want from me.

Because this is who I am.

Neigh.

PS. Click on the neigh. Read more strong amazing courageous womens sorry (or not) posts. Leave them comments, acknowledge their strength and their vulnerability, all of which is simply beautiful. Stop. Reflect. Breathe.

Holiday, Celebration

Much of my time over the past week has been spent
essay writing  daydreaming

of all the deliciously wonderful things to purchase in Hawaii…

all the sparkly pretty things

that I never let myself go crazy spend money on

that would cost mega tonne truck bucks to get shipped here…
Lets delight in their sparkly
beautiful, wonderfullnessssssssssssss…..

 and lets not let our minds wander
to the expenditure
of all  these beautiful pretties

and lets not forget duty free….

Maybe this post should be named… the one that gave Adam a heart attack

<wordless wednesday fun with my little drummer boys>

Products courtesy of:
www.tiffany.com
www.nordstrom.com
www.sephora.com
www.forever21.com
www.nixonnow.com
www.johnnycupcakes.com 
www.sunglasshut.com
www.victoriassecret.com

Flight bought to you by: Hawaiian Airlines

Funded by: Lyndal and Adam with 40+ hour working weeks

Expenditure stoppage by: Year of the house 2012

I can see clearly now…

I always remember vision boards being so ‘in’ around ten years ago.. they were everywhere, in any magazine you picked up and EVERYONE was sprouting how fantastic and life changing they were. Pffft I though, whatever whatever whatever. As time went on and we all became SO computer focused, and iPhones came out, and handwriting diminished except when you were stuck on hold to any given corporation for more than forty minutes and my eyesight got a little bad to the point where if it gets any worse they don’t make contacts strong enough – AND IM NOT EVEN THIRTY – I all but forgot about this vision board thing. And before you know it, your brain becomes that of a five year old like this:

source

Being challenged to create a vision board made me stop and pause for a little bit… then I marched home past the two dollar shop and bought a cork board (incidentally for seven dollars… why are they even called two dollar shops for?!). I put it in my study room which is filled with pretty to help me ‘study’… and slowly but surely its being filled up…

There are houses and apartments in our area that would be suitable for us for the next five to ten years… so we can start to get an idea of what is around, what the market is doing and be sort of prepared for the second half of this year..

There are some photos of Adam and I in the Grand Canyon to remind me of the beauty of travel, of creating new adventures, of doing new things and exploring this world together. It also makes me laugh because we always have the best time on our holidays – this particular photo of myself is minutes before Adam tried to warn me it was very slippery going down some steps to the edge of the canyon… as I fell hard and slid on my ass down it. When I got to the bottom step we were both laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe.

Next to the photos is part of the great big Adam party invite… Its a pretty awesome invite, and a great reminder never to do anything important at midnight, because spelling mistakes happen. That aside, it reminds me to always have something to look forward to and be excited about. Its going to be such a great day with all of his closest friends and family there. I can’t wait. April is going to be SUCH a great fantastic awesome month.

And right smack bang in the middle? The reminder to focus on the awesome stuff… and when the narky stuff gets in the way, remembering it won’t last forever, and I do have a choice about where I am going to put my focus and energy…

And the result of all this vision boarding? My brain feels less cluttered. Instead of racing a million miles an hour, I have a place to ‘park’ those thoughts and to do’s and remember this’s. It’s pretty awesome, and its working for me right now. It is so refreshing to have something physical to touch and see and be so in my face – it can be easy to switch off computers and phones to get away from things I don’t want to see!!!

<another SYl ’12 post check it out here>

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