Two weeks ago now, my PT reminded me that I needed to set some new goals. I almost laughed as we went through my old ones – in a good way of course. The ‘gain enough confidence to attend group classes’ and ‘go to the gym 3 – 4 times a week’ which seemed like such a big stretch just a few months away seems like a lifetime ago. Which is a great thing. I’m proud of the determination, the commitment and follow through action that I have somehow managed.

One thing that has carried me through- especially on the days where it sucked and I was having a little girl tantrum of ‘not wanting to go to the gym because I DONT FEEL LIKE IT!!’ is this: I am not controlled by my emotions. I don’t brush my teeth or make myself presentable because I feel like it. I do it, because it is simply what I do. My exercise is not something I always feel like doing, but I do it, because it is what I do. Commitment isn’t about a feeling, it is about a decision. A decision that I made to continually be a better version of myself and who I was yesterday.

So. My winter goals – and even saying that is weird, because I have not ever, ever, ever exercised through winter before. So, this whole thing is new and fresh and exciting. Anyway, my winter goals:

• Do a chin up unassisted. With my two bare hands. And my body weight. So I either need to like, lose most of my body weight, or start building some serious cannons. A lot of this is mind over matter, so i’m not going to say can not, or psych myself out. We will work on it and by the end of winter I’ll be smashing out some serious unassisted chin up rep’s. 
• Do 15×3 sets of man push ups. Maybe even on that bloody bosu killing ball. But without is fine too. I’m good with knees, I’m good with half and half, but i’m not satisfied with either.
• If i had enough dedication to some insane clean eating I would say I’d like to see some abs. But I don’t, and I also think thats entirely unrealistic for me, right now. So I’d just like to lose say, another 5cm off my stomach. Thats do-able.
• Get my eating sorted – healthy 80% of the time.
• Run 10km straight, no stopping, no intervals. Because I am still petrified of treadmills, this is an out of the gym thing, and it’s probably a bit of an awesome one – one that I might be able to do with Adam too.

Some of those look a bit hairy, all of them are definitely a big stretch!! But then, isn’t that what setting goals is all about – hitting milestones you may never have thought possible? All that dream, believe, achieve with a lot of sweat and hard work stuff? With some planning? Here is the how: plan, use your satur-self-day to plan your week ahead; keep being consistent with the gym and your food; PT is already booked in, check; stay focused; ignore the cold; buy new skins.

Check in: one month, just as the shock of the cold, especially in the morning starts to hit.

Have I? Am I trying? I look different!

This both amuses and delights me – particularly when I walked into the gym one afternoon after work and a perfect stranger declared ‘My, you look really good!!’ Thankyou, universe – awkward, but ok message received!

One part of human nature which really grinds my gears – particularly as women – is our fantastic ability to not notice how far we have come, but to nit pick on all the things that aren’t yet perfect. I cannot recall how many times I have bemoaned my little belly, or those large thighs – ignoring the strength those thighs now carry, and the amazing core that hides behind that stubborn protrusion on my mid section.

And while I make a conscious decision to not bitch and moan and complain my way through my PT sessions – or any gym session for that matter – after all, it is my choice to be there, to be pushing myself to be better, stronger, different, I still forget to remember how far I have come. I still forget, nay, don’t even think to make a conscious decision with my mind to berate my imperfectly perfect body. And when I forget how far ahead I am of where I was, I forget to keep my head high and make new goals, set new standards – too busy looking down nit picking.

Here is what I know for sure – I know that in the past five months, I have increased my fitness ten fold. That, I am proudest of – the heart rate don’t lie sistah, I am building one efficient little heart machine in there. I have lost 7.6% of my body weight, and my measurements are all down. I feel strong – it’s hard to explain the sense of power and strength in those first few moments of an outdoor run where you can feel every millimetre of those muscles working together. I feel the sense of immense satisfaction when I wake up and my muscles ache because I have worked them. Achievement when I have to go to the next level on the cross trainer because its too easy all of a sudden and I don’t really know when that happened.

I love, love who I have become these past five months of gym-dom. I’ve never been that athletic girl, we know that (nerd burger 4U BOOM!) but I am that girl who gets the numbers and the science. Who gets off on those small achievements. Who knows it feels amazing to be building and working toward goals I never dreamt I would have.

I want to remember to take the time to pause to recognise, acknowledge and celebrate that hard consistent work I have and I am putting in there. I think thats important – keeping your head high and proud. Not looking down and nit picking, but learning to look compliments in the eye with a proud ‘thank you’, cause God knows how much sweat goes into each session!

I am, so proud… of what I have achieved, and how far I have come.

‘honestly, can you believe we crossed the world while it’s asleep? I’d never trade it in ’cause I’ve always wanted this and it’s not a dream anymore, no. It’s not a dream anymore, it’s worth fighting for. We’re just getting started’ 

because if i got to list all my favourite quotes
this would be a never ending blog post
and we would be all inspired out…

< joining back in with Listmania … I love this community >

Get Lucky (Daft Punk)

Mirrors (Justin Timberlake)

Give me Everything (Pitbull)

Rattle (Bingo Players)

Let her Go (Passenger)

Titanium (David Guetta)

Run Alone (360)

Thankyou (MKTO)

Guns and Roses (TI feat Pink)

Let me down easy (Sheppard)

Everybody Talks (Neon Trees)

Still Into You  (Paramore)

Pompeii (Bastille)

My Songs Know (Fall Out Boy)

Print from ‘The Little Illustrator’ .. I love it. You know where I’m heading on payday…

I noticed something the other day, on reflection. I don’t think I have ever heard, or had reports of someone dear to my heart saying a bad word to someone else about me, or my actions. Regardless of how many times I start something to not finish, how hard I try (or not), how much I whinge and whine, how specific (read: bitch) I am, how hypocritical I might be (at times)… and the list goes on.

I just think, what a wonderful trait to have.

What a beautifully secure place these actions have created.

How confident that makes me feel in this relationship.

How loved.

Honestly, what a beautiful space to have in any relationship – the confidence that no matter how imperfect you are, that it will be addressed to your face if necessary. That to the world you are protected, not bitched or gossiped about. I’m not saying that words aren’t said to each others face – the favourite line of both of ours is ‘You’re a fuckwit’ ‘No, your face is a fuckwit’ and thats about as harsh as it gets.

I am saying I want to learn to be like this. I want to be a better friend, a better partner – even when I am my angriest, or frustrated, scared or sad. We are studying in Philosophy the idea that a good life is the control of ones emotions – and I do think that there is some truth in that. I’m not perfect, I am very emotive, highly sensitive –  but I want those I am closest to and hold dearest to feel safe and protected in the knowledge that if I have a problem they will be the first and only ones to know.

Imagine what that could create… what freedom, what type of love.

< joining up with IBOT for the first time in forever… because it rocks >

“I need more dreams and less life. And I need that dark in a little more light,
I cried tears that you’ll never see”

It’s unrealistic to expect that we would be liked by everyone that enters in (or out) of our lives – I would think that we all understand and appreciate that. However, it still stings to realise that not everyone loves you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

I’m learning, slowly, tenderly, that love can not be an expectation.

It is not a right, a given, a certainty. Never. Ever. I also wonder, sometimes, the interchangeability of the word and action of ‘love’ and ‘like’. Is it possible to ‘love’ someone and not even ‘like’ them? How does this affect our actions and attitudes toward that individual if it is possible? That is altogether too confusing, confounding and philosophical for a Monday morning post – but feel free to sit on that thought.

Regardless… the sting, the hurt when you realise the absence of love?

It’s not about you.

All to easy to say, when it feels personal.

Hear this:

Who loves you does not define you.

We are not defined and placed in neat boxes on the number of likes, the amount of love, the overflow of people to call on a Saturday night. You are not a sum total of the absences of love you feel in your life and your heart. You are not responsible for that. Your identity does not fall on those categories.