cheers to you, old mate

Thursday March 29 2012

Dear Mr Adam Killer,

I know you think that I forgot – and I really did forget. To get you a card and write you a lunchbox letter for Monday, your 30th birthday. I could tell you that I have been so focused on getting ‘The Great Big Party’ finalised, and finishing my assignment and remembering to wake up at 5am for the gym the next day. And whilst that is all good and true, I know had the shoe been on the other foot I would have felt sad also.

So, you are getting a public lunchbox letter, of my gratitude and thankfulness that we got to enjoy the past year together. Enjoy.

Your year of 29 was a good one. We didn’t have many speed bumps, the only one I even remember is the car explosions. We found our little Italian restaurant and have been there every single friday night ever since. We went to Port Douglas and remembered what it was like to just chill out, relax, drink cocktails and stay up past 9pm – even on a school night.

And whilst it wasn’t a year that I am able to measure in the amount of memorable big ‘events’, it is definitely a year that I am able to measure in the amount you have grown. As if you weren’t already amazing and awesome enough – you went and took it to a whole new level.

Its almost as if you said to the world, this is who I am, take it or leave it. You learnt diplomacy in that, and stood tall among people who would rather bag you out all over town and refused to retaliate or join in. I admired you greatly for that. You stayed through speed bumps in your workplace, and it is still a place that you literally love going to work every day – I enjoy the half hour at the end of every day that I get to spend there, it is a great place to be and I am glad that 4 years later you still love it just as much.

You grew to be a strong leader in every aspect of who you are and where you go in your life, and it’s not something that you shout, or even recognise sometimes. You just do it quietly and gracefully (if i can use that word to describe a man!) and without any hint of arrogance. I love this part of you, and the freedom that it allows me to learn from you how to best do that in my own life, particularly as I am the hot headed firey one in this duo. You work so hard to maintain the relationships with the lifers and your family – and you never once complain about the distances that you need to travel in order to do this sometimes. I know that I greatly appreciate this – particularly as we are one car family and I am yet to get over myself and drive said car further than out of the garage. I know sometimes you get tired and frustrated – but you never once take it out on me, ever. I am grateful for your patience. Always patient, and waiting for me to be ready to do what needs to be done.

Speaking of patience, one thing that absolutely changed a big part of who ‘we’ are is how much a part laughter has become of our daily lives. And i love love love it. Thats right, not once, THREE TIMES! I know that at least two or three times each day I will laugh, and laugh good and proper. This part of us, this part that is almost tender,and absolutely beautiful, a lot of people dont and may not ever understand. But understand this, I am never going to give it up!

Because who else would tell me as soon as they wake up on their birthday that they are going to retire now, because they are old, and then pull the covers over their head? Who else would understand the universal killerhouse meaning of ‘pow’ or know that ‘your mum’ or ‘your face’ is a perfectly acceptable answer to ANY question? Who would know that to diffuse a situation, or get yourself out of trouble you just have to look at me with that look, or say something completely random and ridiculous? Thats right… only you. Im glad that we get this part of each other, that it encapsulates so much of who we are and how we work, and how well we know each other.

Thankyou for your love, your patience, your strength. You are endlessly supportive, and my loudest cheerleader – even when i am whining about the same thing i have 1830 times before (thats once per day for every day we have been together in case you were wondering). You push me daily, to be better, to do better, to try new things, to be spontaneous for once in my life. You trust me implicitly, and believe I am capable of things I never even dreamt of. You work through everything with me – and never ever once do you think its not going to work out, or be anything other than completely fine.

So. Happy 30th Birthday old man. I am so proud of you, and all that you are. I’m so excited we get to kick off your thirtieth year with a great big party and more travel adventures. Cheers to another great year

xx

<its thursday, so i was totally reminded to be thankful and write this! … thanks kate!>

· Filed Under: talk · Tagged: , , , , ,

breathe in, breathe out

Tuesday March 27 2012

You know that saying ‘change happens one step at a time’ that we all feel was said a million years ago by someone who probably wouldn’t have a clue? Turns out, like most cliches its pretty bloody true.

source

Right now, I feel incredibly sick. Like I want to either vomit, or go back to bed, or maybe a mixture of both. This is a cause for celebration. No darlings, I am not pregnant -  I went to the gym at 6am this morning. Yeah, go back and re read that for a second. And then remember 12 weeks ago I was the ultimate couch potato who didn’t remember the last time they went out of their way to exercise.

There are a boatload of things that we have all been working on through the SYL challenge, and lots of hard core internal stuff happening. It became pretty darn obvious in goal setting that diligence and taking time out to be the best version of me were the ultimate goals for the year in all areas of my life. And that can look pretty overwhelming and annoying and way too hard basket anyway so why even start.

Because starting meant finishing a uni essay where i didn’t even understand the question. Starting meant to not be so caught up with the what – ifs, so much as being caught up in living and enjoying life. Starting meant connecting, admitting blog crushes, writing, growing and forming new friendships. Starting meant being active and having a million cheerleaders when the days are tough and you just don’t feel like it. Starting meant just doing one thing at a time, and just focusing on the next step, because the rest will come when its meant to.

And I wonder, if all too often we put things in the too hard basket and don’t even bother because we haven’t bothered to break it down into bite sized pieces. You know how they have fun size mars bars and king sized ones? And sometimes you can only handle a fun size – there is a reason for that! And if you get five minutes into your fun size step and you still dont feel like it? Put it down and go back to it another time, it’s still going to be there.

I understand that diligence, and acheiving your fun size, takes a fair effort in planning and preparation. I’m lucky because thats the part that makes me high, I literally love it and go all jelly legs at the thought of a fresh menu plan, or week plan, or heaven forbid, new stationery! I also understand this whole lack of time not enough hours in the day thing every single woman goes though – children or not. But honestly – some of you blog in the loo, so go and plan there too. All jokes aside, what is it going to cost you not to plan? Not to break it down so you can realistically achieve what you wish to? And if you are happy with the cost, then by all means – ignore it, sacrifice whatever it is you had dreamt/wanted/imagined.

More often than not, for me, personally – I’m not happy with the cost. If not exercising meant no me time, no energy, sleeping all weekend, feeling miserable and being a horrible person – then I would not be exercising. If meal planning meant that there were no more questions of whats for dinner, my grocery shopping is cheaper and easier, and we are eating healthier – then by God I am going to meal plan, and use that hour of my night where the dinner question was the only conversation to have some better quality time! You get the picture?

Im not sure how this turned into a preachy rant about planning – other than to say it allowed me to practise diligence and achieve more of my goals, that I didn’t even realise that I had. And also to say – I am not special. I am exactly like you, I go through similiar struggles, frustrations and worries. I’m not someone who has some superhuman amazing bone – I drink too much red bull, laugh too loud, cry too easily. However, I am part of the same amazing sisterhood that the majority of you are, and that means that  I can, and I do achieve things that I never thought were possible (whatever that ends up looking like!).

One. Freaking. Step. At. A. Time.

P.S. It always seems impossible until its done. So there.

<so this is a SYL ’12 post, and hey, its TUESDAY so I am joining in and comment loving other Tuesday bloggers! Life is good!>

· Filed Under: talk · Tagged: , , , , ,

i am an illusion

Saturday March 24 2012

source: ‘Move. Nourish. Believe’ Lorna Jane Clarkson

I always find it very interesting, almost amusing to the point of annoying that when you are in the decision making stage of change, that no one seems to have much of an opinion. Almost like the grandstands are in that hushed, holding breath moment of ‘ohhh whats going to happen next’ and the minute, almost to the second where you have made your decision, and its concrete in your heart and your mind, the crowd erupts! EVERYONE has an opinion, a reason why what you are doing is wrong, why in their opinion you should have done x, y or z – really anything except what you have done, or are doing.

<and here is where i thank god, the stars and all the grains of sand, for the invention that is twitter, commenting systems on blogs, family and the inner circle – because they have always consistently, been supportive and encouraging every step of the way>

But you know the other sort of people I am talking about, the people that I mean. The haters that hate, because you’re cutting a bit too close to the bone. Because you are a reflection of what they wish to be, and for whatever reason haven’t moved a millimetre to becoming. Because acknowledging that will force them to change and move out of their comfort zones. Because why should you get to splurge on expensive clothes when 90% of the time you budget extremely well, and how dare you start glowing because of all the little changes you have made.

Don’t worry, I don’t recognise me either. This person who craves a banana or boiled egg when they are feeling tired to give them sustained energy over a twirl or packet of smiths crinkle cut plain chips. The person who has only had takeaway for one meal this entire week, and even then it was pasta – not mcdonalds. I don’t know this person who is excited to go home because its sunny and she can’t wait to run. This person who just signed up to the gym to work on strength and stretching. This person who finally understands her body and how it works and how many calories are right for it, and how it responds to the activities it is doing.

What I do know, is that in every step, every cent spent, every hour pored over the latest research, meal plan or information, is that i am loving myself more and choosing which voices will be loudest. Because when I am able to do that, and do that consistently then the more the changes will be suitable, and sustainable.

As Dan said in that movie Half Nelson, ‘When you breathe, you inhale and you exhale, but every single time that you do that you’re a little bit different than the one before. We are always changing.’ Thats right. Always changing. And if loving myself more, means that I’m someone that I have never been before, then so be it.

Because I am well and truly on the way to becoming the best version of me.

Every. Single. Day.

< and part of being the best me, is supporting my peeps in this online community – gorgeous Peggy and her self love soiree, helping me to remember that joy starts with being kind to yourself>

· Filed Under: talk · Tagged: , , , , , , ,

don’t you know that I’m still standing

Tuesday March 20 2012

better than I ever did 

So.

Lunch time yesterday – I developed a killer headache.
Killer as in my head is going to literally fall of my shoulders
and I can’t even remember names any more type headache.

Caffeine withdrawl?
Maybe.
Grabbed some sugar free red bull
from the Kwik-E-Mart next door.
no cigar.

Driving home, an hour later.
angry. headachy. tired.

Choices.

We always have them.
And I wanted to choose to stick to my commitment.

to shove on that new workout gear that I picked up from the PO that morning
to get my barely charged iPod
to tie up those shoelaces
to walk out that door

the commitment was only half an hour
three times a week
half an hour
….

im so glad to have made the choice to stick to it
to get out there regardless of that killer head
to work through the stitch that came at minute 11.45
to find the perfect PERFECT running path in the park behind our path
one walking interval = one length down the hill
one running interval = one length up the hill
to feel proud, SO proud
that even though i was HOT and sweaty
that every time that man told me to run, i ran
everytime he told me to walk, i sent a prayer of thanks his way
and then when he said it was cool down time
i thought, what, that time has just gone way too fast
and aside from this buggery of a stitch
i did it.

i totally did it.

I feel empowered.
because every time, it will be a choice
and it won’t ever be harder than it was tonight
ever

and that faced with the killer headache
the tired that comes with a Monday
i ran those bloody intervals
and i feel strong
empowered
free

supported, cheered on, encouraged.
blessed.

<im blogging on tuesdays.. because i can. and because this needed to come out. and be shouted. the end>

· Filed Under: talk · Tagged: , , , , , , ,
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